Many people become widowed before the age of 55. This life event is all the more difficult to overcome because it disrupts the life balance they have built together. Véronique Oglobeff-Brieux, a psychologist with the Dialogue et Solidarité association, explains how best to cope with this ordeal.
Early widowhood: a far from rare situation.
Widowhood is often associated with people of advanced age. However, this is a mistake. In France, among widows, 360,000 are under 55 years old, representing more than one in ten. Eight to nine times out of ten, widowhood affects a young woman.
This situation is particularly traumatic for the surviving spouse because it is very often unexpected and extremely abrupt. It often leads to difficult financial circumstances, compounded by emotional and family problems.
As psychologist Véronique Oglobeff-Brieux explains: "Young people who find themselves alone still have responsibilities to take care of. They have to face difficulties, they don't have the right to collapse at work, they have to continue to provide daily care for the children... They have few moments and places to express their suffering."
And being widowed is all the more difficult because the subject remains taboo in our societies. According to a recent survey (Vivavoice/OCIRP), 32% of French people consider widowhood a taboo subject, and for 53% of them, the first difficulties are financial. For Véronique Oglobeff-Brieux, "grief is a taboo subject because it reflects our intrinsic fear of death. On television, we see dozens of deaths, but in reality, it's a complete collapse. We always think it can't happen to us."
What are the different stages of grief?
The American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (1969) observed 5 stages in the grieving process:
1. Shock and denial: The shock comes with the announcement. It is extremely violent. Moreover, the more violent the death (accident, suicide, etc.), the more violent the shock. One tells oneself that the death of one's spouse is impossible. The body and the psyche are made that way. This allows one to overcome the violence of the shock.
2. Anger: The person is devastated. They are angry at everything and everyone: the doctor, the hospital, the deceased, their family and friends… It's important to be careful during this time because anger can be quite destructive. It's necessary to accept the situation and forgive those around them, even if they are sometimes clumsy or distant.
3. Bargaining: This is the phase where one bargains with one's suffering. One tries to escape by all means: one takes refuge in work, one goes out every night… One distances oneself from the suffering by doing a lot of activity in order to think less about one's pain.
4. Depression: This is the true grieving process. The widower is in a depressive state: he cries a lot, has difficulty concentrating, lacks motivation… This period is an essential stage because the process of letting go begins. It can last from six months to a year. Even though these are very difficult times, it is a necessary step that will lead to acceptance.
5. Acceptance: The widower has managed to overcome the death of his spouse. He is ready to reinvest himself in his life.
How can you get help after the death of your spouse?
“It’s important to get help during the grieving period because not being able to talk about it adds to the trauma. You need to be able to talk to someone who can listen to you as you go along without feeling obligated to give advice. First, you turn to your friends or family, but they can also help.
”They might be clumsy and not strong enough to keep hearing the same things. It's important to understand that a bereaved person can't move on for months… That's why seeing a therapist, even for just a few sessions, can be helpful in processing their grief.
When you're a young widower, you often have to discuss the issue with your children. How do you do it?
"It's very important to talk to the children. They understand everything, so you absolutely mustn't hide anything from them. You even have to cry with them if necessary.
It's very important to reassure the children. When they lose one of their parents, they're often afraid of losing the other. Reassure them to calm their anxieties.
In adolescence, the situation is more difficult because there's a lot of rebellion. The best thing is to encourage the teenager to see a therapist so they can 'get everything off their chest'."
How can you help someone whose partner has committed suicide to stop feeling guilty?
“When a suicidal person takes their own life, it's because they are psychologically or even psychiatrically fragile. If they end their life, it's because they are suffering too much. There's nothing we can do about it. That's just how it is. Suicide isn't directed against those around them, but against the person themselves. It's important to help the survivor by explaining that they couldn't do anything about it. They must accept their powerlessness because, even with all the love in the world, some people simply don't have a will to live.”
There are six times more widows than widowers. Do men react differently to this ordeal?
“Women are better able to grieve. They dare to talk more, they cry more easily… Culturally, men find it harder to express their distress, but we are still noticing that they are opening up more and more.
Men might start sobbing when they have to sew on a button. It's in everyday tasks that loneliness weighs on them the most. That's also why they find it easier to get back into a relationship with a new partner. They are willing to make fewer compromises to avoid being alone. They need someone's presence, practically a second mother…”
Do young widowers face additional difficulties?
“A young widower often feels a kind of guilt when he emerges from the grieving period. He's afraid of forgetting his deceased spouse if he meets someone new. He's almost afraid of betraying himself. Both the psychologist and those around him must then help him understand that he needs to keep living. You never truly forget a relationship. The next one will be different.
The widowed person is also afraid of suffering again. He doesn't want to take the risk of loving again. But to live is also to suffer.
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